Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
