How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I look better un-naked...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
