Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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