I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
