tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You pole danced in your parka.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
