the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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