dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
