he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
