Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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