At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
