i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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