Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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