You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
