i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
