how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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