I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
