Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
