my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
