Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
