you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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