Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
