It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
