wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
false alarm, still single
Randomize
