I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
