i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
