How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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