anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
