my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
