I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
