Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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