Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
