I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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