I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
