my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
