Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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