Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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