piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
