Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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