if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
