Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
