My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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