my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
