I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
