things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
