i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
