I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
