i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
