just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
