he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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