When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
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I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
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You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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