Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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