oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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