if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
