just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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